One of my best friends is an adoptive mommy too. A friend of hers posed a question about (I'm paraphrasing) what good or to what end or benefits come from having an open adoption. This was a conversation we had a couple of months ago and since then I have been trying to reflect on that conversation. Simply put......it's profound gratitude.
Ironically, every adoption journey begins with pain. Pain from the potential adoptive parents because most are sub-ferts - those battling infertility in some form. Pain from the birthfamily for having to make the most heart wrenching decision not to parent their child. Unless you have experienced either situation, then open adoption seems like a foreign language.....almost a "why bother".
We were able to experience something almost magical with Isaac's birthfamily because of the trust we have allowed between us. We all walked out of the hospital together. We were able to witness the pain and the love Isaac's birthfamily (all of them) has for him as we walked towards our vehicle with our 2 day old son and they walked away from theirs. This is one moment of Isaac's adoption that we will never forget. Because of this moment, we will never tolerate other's judgement about the reason behind Isaac's adoption. It was out of profound love....and one day, Isaac will know and understand this too....that he was and is deeply loved by his birthfamily.
Enter Gratitude.....
In order for gratitude to exist, you must receive a gift. I haven't asked Isaac's birthfamily, but they may point out that they did not give us Isaac as a gift, rather, they gave Isaac the gift of a loving family. For us, the gift is two fold. First, Isaac's birthfamily gave us a most precious gift - Isaac. Secondly, and most importantly, Isaac has given us the gift of parenthood once again. Isaac
is the gift.
We have profound gratitude for Isaac's birthfamily. There is no gratitude without first admitting your dependence on one another for the gift. This can be hard to express - admitting your reliance on another - being humble. Being grateful replaces being fearful. We do not fear the birthfamily's feelings and needs because we are open and honest about them as needed. We do not fear Isaac's knowledge of being adopted because of the gratitude we feel for him and his birthfamily.
Gratitude is not the same as indebtedness. Gifts are simply gifts. A gift doesn't owe anyone anything. A gift is never indebted. Gifts are given freely without judgement or obligation to return a gift. While we are profoundly grateful for Isaac and to his birthfamily, we will be careful not to place that same expectation onto Isaac as he grows. That is a place he will need to come to on his own. Hopefully knowing his birthfamily will allow him to give himself as a "renewed" gift back to us as an adult and he too will have profound gratitude for all those who have loved him. He will then truly understand where he belongs and will feel at home and at peace with his adoption.
Open adoption definitely takes courage - you may be fearful in the beginning, but you push through it. Courage is necessary to find the strength to overcome our personal comfort. Every open adoption is unique because of those involved.Our decision for an open adoption is not about us or the birthfamily. So "why bother" with an open adoption you ask?
Because we have profound gratitude for our son.
