My Reality

Since we have started on this IVF process yet again, I have been spending time in the sub-fert blogging world. In Oprah's word's "I had a light bulb moment today!" Good grief - it's about freaking time. All these years I have referred to my infertility as a "medical condition I'm receiving treatment for" - well guess what? I have a DISEASE! Holy crap - I guess the truth finally hit me square in the ovaries! I have an incurable disease - one that does have treatment options - but may or may not be successful.

Infertility affects approximately 6 million people in the United States alone. And just think of the millions of family members and friends this disease can also affect. My own mother has cried countless tears over my infertility. Of course it's not her fault in any way, yet she feels that she somehow failed me while she was pregnant with me or when I was a young girl. But she is my mother and feels helpless that she can't "fix it" by giving me a kiss and making the monsters go away.

Even with as open and honest as we have been about our struggle to become parents, people still don't get it. Most of our family and friends "struggle" to prevent pregnancy - and will never experience this profound heartbreak. People often speak of fertility as "a choice" - that's a bunch of BS to me - where's my choice - that's right, I was never given one. And what about Mark, my prince charming through it all - his choices were also taken away - and to have to look your husband in the eye and tell him that the children he so dearly wanted will never be - well that's just something a wife should never have to endure. At that moment, I felt like a failure as a wife - a failure as a woman.

When people started to realize we were "having problems getting pregnant" we received tons of unsolicited advice that sub-ferts just love to hear. Just take a vacation, just get drunk, just buy a new car, just buy a new house, just relax, just adopt, and my 2 favorites - first to poor Mark - Don't you know how to do it right? I bet I could get her pregnant!" and lastly, "Maybe God has a different plan - maybe you weren't meant to be parents." Yeah thanks for that - thanks for pushing me off the cliff!

Ok - so I'm still thrilled to be on this journey again. We have always wanted a big family and are still trying to realize that dream. If Dominic and Luke are all the children we are blessed with at the end of this road, then what a glorious adventure it will be!

So I have come to 2 conclusions today - I have a disease, and I probably shouldn't blog about infertility when my hormone levels are getting all ramped up on the stimming juice!