I was sent this blog post - it is great. It is copied here -actually written by the RE at a fertility clinic. Even with all God has granted me, I am still a victim of infertility. I still pray for all those women who will put on a brave face this Sunday and smile. For all those women who still have empty arms.
She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity. “She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant. “Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier. “Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant. – Victor Hugo
Mother’s day is upon us. It is not that welcome of a holiday for my patients. Gifts passed out at church or given by a well meaning spouse do little to fill the void of yearning that brings them to my office. We hear stories about the great love, sacrifice and courage that mother’s have for their children, but little is said about the incredible love, sacrifice and courage of my “mothers-to-be”.
It takes incredible courage to acknowledge that there is even a problem. We all want to believe that we are in control of our lives and to acknowledge that there is a fertility problem is to internalize a lack of control over this incredibly sensitive part of their lives.
It takes courage to seek medical attention. No one likes to see doctors (I’m over a year late for my colonoscopy), and the trip to the fertility doctor is a particularly difficult journey.
It takes courage to undergo procedures that are not comfortable and are in an area where discomfort is particularly unwanted.
It takes courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Studies have shown that when a woman experiencing infertility has a period, indicating that once again she is not pregnant, she experiences the same degree of grief as if her brother or sister had just died. Most of us will go through that only once or twice in our lifetime. Imagine going through that every month for years. Then imagine going through a specific procedure to get pregnant and having it not work.
It takes courage to hope that it will work the first time and proceed , and even greater courage to experience a failed attempt and then turn around and have the courage to hope again.
These women undergo great sacrifices.
They sacrifice the intimacy of what was supposed to be a wonderful and intensely personal experience with their partner for a doctor’s office.
They sacrifice time on often repetitive visits for monitoring and procedures.
They sacrifice financial resources as they struggle to have something that everyone around them seems to receive without thought and sometimes with disdain.
They sacrifice personal comfort, sometimes thinking that if they experience pain, they will be more worthy of the “gain” they so desperately seek.
Why? Why do they do this? They do this for the same reason the mother gives her bread and goes without. They do it for love. The only difference is that they do it for a deep abiding love for a child that they have not yet held, a voice they have not yet heard, a smile they have not yet seen, and a touch they have not yet felt.
Here's to all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you that Sunday may pass quickly into the past. I pray that this is the last Mother's Day you spend with empty arms.
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Enough....
Throughout our IF journey many have asked, "How do you know when enough is enough?" My answer is, "You will know."
Mark and I have officially said "enough is enough". We are closing the TTC (trying to conceive) chapter in our lives. Do we still want more children? Absolutely. We want another child with every ounce of our souls. However, life has other plans and we don't want to miss out on that life while we are consumed trying to build our family.
As I type this, I have one of our "miracles" asleep at my side. He is an angel sent from Heaven and I am forever thankful that I'm his Mommy. While being a mother to 2 children was not our plan, it is more than we were ever promised when your IF journey began.
Like I was reminded by a friend, every parent (whether battling IF or not) must decide at some point when "enough is enough" on having babies. This is so true. However, like many things with IF, it is really not my decision - my medical issues and mother nature (getting older) are making the decisions for me.
So we are wishing our IF goodbye. Goodbye needles, goodbye burning medications, goodbye sore butt and bruises, goodbye ultrasounds, goodbye blood work, goodbye HPTs, goodbye cold doctor's offices, goodbye surgeries, goodbye to bad news.
Most of all, goodbye to our sweet, precious embryos. You may not have been conceived in my body, but you were conceived with love from your Mommy and Daddy. We wish every one of you peace as you rest surrounded by Jesus' divine love.
Mark and I have officially said "enough is enough". We are closing the TTC (trying to conceive) chapter in our lives. Do we still want more children? Absolutely. We want another child with every ounce of our souls. However, life has other plans and we don't want to miss out on that life while we are consumed trying to build our family.
As I type this, I have one of our "miracles" asleep at my side. He is an angel sent from Heaven and I am forever thankful that I'm his Mommy. While being a mother to 2 children was not our plan, it is more than we were ever promised when your IF journey began.
Like I was reminded by a friend, every parent (whether battling IF or not) must decide at some point when "enough is enough" on having babies. This is so true. However, like many things with IF, it is really not my decision - my medical issues and mother nature (getting older) are making the decisions for me.
So we are wishing our IF goodbye. Goodbye needles, goodbye burning medications, goodbye sore butt and bruises, goodbye ultrasounds, goodbye blood work, goodbye HPTs, goodbye cold doctor's offices, goodbye surgeries, goodbye to bad news.
Most of all, goodbye to our sweet, precious embryos. You may not have been conceived in my body, but you were conceived with love from your Mommy and Daddy. We wish every one of you peace as you rest surrounded by Jesus' divine love.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
15 Hours and Counting.....
Tomorrow is the day. BETA DAY. I have been having light to mild cramping on and off for several days. I have also been extremely "hot". I'm taking both as good signs that one or both embryos have settled in for the duration. I'm not trying to read too much into anything else because of the progesterone "symptoms" that have fooled me and countless others in the past.
I have been asked now by 5 different people in 2 days (none know about the FET) if I feel ok. They all say I looked tired and not myself. I'm also taking that as a good sign! I do feel exhausted but blame that on not sleeping well because I'm sooooo hot!
Only 15 more hours.........
I have been asked now by 5 different people in 2 days (none know about the FET) if I feel ok. They all say I looked tired and not myself. I'm also taking that as a good sign! I do feel exhausted but blame that on not sleeping well because I'm sooooo hot!
Only 15 more hours.........
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The IF Monster
I know several pregnant women right now. Of course I tend to notice these things even more when we are in the midst of a cycle - like now. I have been invited to baby showers, etc over the years and I have a personal rule - I don't do baby showers. This is for a couple of reasons. First, I have never liked them - even before IF - but I tolerated them for family and friends. I also don't like bridal showers but that is a different subject.
Secondly - and the main reason - is that baby showers and such, take the IF Monster out of the closet. Now, there may be some IFers that can handle such events but I am not one of them. I compare it to taking a person addicted to gambling to a high stakes casino with tons of cash and telling them not to lay down one dime.
Some may think that we have conquered IF because we have two amazing boys. And in some ways, that is true. We have two miracles that we were told would never be - and for that we are eternally grateful. However, pre-IF we wanted 4-5 children - not two. For us, we have not reached the summit of our struggles.
I have attempted to explain it this way to non-IFers:
One child or 10, the Big, Bad, Infertility Monster is always lurking in the closet. Some days the door is shut tight and all is quiet. Other days, there is a crack and I can see the glow of the monster's eyes and hear a low growl. But at other times and certain situations (like baby showers) the door flings wide open and the monster comes charging out. At these moments, there is nothing I can do but wait for the IF Monster to hit me full force in the chest and pierce me straight through the heart.
So......I don't do baby showers.
Secondly - and the main reason - is that baby showers and such, take the IF Monster out of the closet. Now, there may be some IFers that can handle such events but I am not one of them. I compare it to taking a person addicted to gambling to a high stakes casino with tons of cash and telling them not to lay down one dime.
Some may think that we have conquered IF because we have two amazing boys. And in some ways, that is true. We have two miracles that we were told would never be - and for that we are eternally grateful. However, pre-IF we wanted 4-5 children - not two. For us, we have not reached the summit of our struggles.
I have attempted to explain it this way to non-IFers:
One child or 10, the Big, Bad, Infertility Monster is always lurking in the closet. Some days the door is shut tight and all is quiet. Other days, there is a crack and I can see the glow of the monster's eyes and hear a low growl. But at other times and certain situations (like baby showers) the door flings wide open and the monster comes charging out. At these moments, there is nothing I can do but wait for the IF Monster to hit me full force in the chest and pierce me straight through the heart.
So......I don't do baby showers.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Infertility Marathon.....
We are cruising now....relaxed.....feeling confident.....well hydrated and in "the zone". We are waiting....holding back just a bit.....for the sprint to the end.
We have been asked thousands of times why we continue to build our family with "all we have been through". My typical response has been, "We always wanted a large family. So we roll with the emotional waves of IF and find ourselves back in the RE office."
As I was driving to and from St. Louis to the doctor appointments, I had many quiet hours to re-think why we continue. I decided it is like running a marathon.
I asked a scared looking couple in the radiology waiting room, "Is this your first IVF cycle?"
"Yes, this is our first and hopefully last."
"You say that now......" I replied and smiled to myself as my named was called. While getting the ultrasound of my ovaries, I remembered how I felt to know I was finally pregnant with Dominic. We had won the war on IF! Then Dominic was born.....we were a family! But having one child made us long for more........and the "training" had to begin again because the next race day was drawing near.
Holding the miracle baby that was never to be makes you forget some of the pain - you just look back and remember the good things along the way. It is so amazing when you "cross the finish line" that you will want another one.......just wait and see.
Mark and I have done "several " (we really try not to think about the truth) IF marathons and the boys have come along on most of them. After all, we are a family trying to grow our family - so each marathon we successfully complete brings along more buddies to share the road.
Miles 1-7 (gearing up for a cycle)
In the beginning you are a ball of nerves and "what ifs". This is the planning phase.....you are full of optimism and energy. You are conscious of every part of your body. What was that? Why does that hurt? I hope that is ok? You are nervous and jittery. You haven't settled into a pace. Your mind is everywhere and you are so excited just to finally be IN the race that everyone else has been talking about.
Miles 8-15 (stimming)
You are finding your groove. Things are falling into place - sure the needles and the medication burn - but you are tough and can take it. With each monitoring appointment your optimism still shines through.
Miles 16-19 (late stimming)
Your ovaries are aching now. Why don't they make a bra for ovaries? I swear they are at least as big as my boobs right now! Time to get serious and focus. You are no longer lighthearted when talking about this journey. Why are others so bothersome at this stage? You are wondering what you signed up for....can you see it to the end? Don't allow yourself to even think you won't succeed -that is a dangerous mental path of self doubt - DON'T DO IT!
Miles 20-22 (Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer)
You are trying so hard to stay positive. Your support group is amazing - cheering you on from the sidelines. They can read your face and help push you through the low times. You want to believe you can do this, but if one more person tells you "I know you will get pregnant this time!" you might just kick their a**.
Miles 23-25 (Dreaded 2 Week Wait)
This is the hardest thing you have done in your life....and you know it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. You wish the race was over - you want to quit. You just want the results so you can either be happy or sad - but at least you would know and could deal with it. You are so close......but "I beg of you God, don't let me run into one more pregnant belly this week! I can't take it anymore." You loathe all women that can get pregnant so easily. You have to force yourself not to stop at Walmart or the Dollar Store for HPTs.
Miles 25-26 (the end)
You made it. Today is the day that will change your life - maybe. You stand in your bathroom holding a HPT with shaky hands and a full bladder. Should I POAS (pee on a stick for non IFers) or just wait for the office to call with the blood test results? Will "I'm sorry. But your test is negative." be easier to hear if you already know there are not 2 lines on the HPT? No it will not.....it will devastate you know matter how that news is delivered. Why does the phone always have to ring at a moment like this?!??!?!
"This is the nurse from the doctor's office. We have your test results. Congratulations!!!! You are pregnant."
You collapse. You have an "ugly" cry for a beautiful moment. You can hardly remember the race. You are so amazed...so proud...it was so worth it.
But that doesn't mean you will ever do that again! It was almost too hard to bare. You will be happy enough with your first and only experience at being a mommy.
And then, one day in the future, you will look into that tiny face and the longing begins again. You will remember just how strong you really can be. You will remember the pride, the joy, and the ultimate, most amazing reward.
And you will think to yourself, "Well, maybe just one more.........."
We have been asked thousands of times why we continue to build our family with "all we have been through". My typical response has been, "We always wanted a large family. So we roll with the emotional waves of IF and find ourselves back in the RE office."
As I was driving to and from St. Louis to the doctor appointments, I had many quiet hours to re-think why we continue. I decided it is like running a marathon.
I asked a scared looking couple in the radiology waiting room, "Is this your first IVF cycle?"
"Yes, this is our first and hopefully last."
"You say that now......" I replied and smiled to myself as my named was called. While getting the ultrasound of my ovaries, I remembered how I felt to know I was finally pregnant with Dominic. We had won the war on IF! Then Dominic was born.....we were a family! But having one child made us long for more........and the "training" had to begin again because the next race day was drawing near.
Holding the miracle baby that was never to be makes you forget some of the pain - you just look back and remember the good things along the way. It is so amazing when you "cross the finish line" that you will want another one.......just wait and see.
Mark and I have done "several " (we really try not to think about the truth) IF marathons and the boys have come along on most of them. After all, we are a family trying to grow our family - so each marathon we successfully complete brings along more buddies to share the road.
Miles 1-7 (gearing up for a cycle)
In the beginning you are a ball of nerves and "what ifs". This is the planning phase.....you are full of optimism and energy. You are conscious of every part of your body. What was that? Why does that hurt? I hope that is ok? You are nervous and jittery. You haven't settled into a pace. Your mind is everywhere and you are so excited just to finally be IN the race that everyone else has been talking about.
Miles 8-15 (stimming)
You are finding your groove. Things are falling into place - sure the needles and the medication burn - but you are tough and can take it. With each monitoring appointment your optimism still shines through.
Miles 16-19 (late stimming)
Your ovaries are aching now. Why don't they make a bra for ovaries? I swear they are at least as big as my boobs right now! Time to get serious and focus. You are no longer lighthearted when talking about this journey. Why are others so bothersome at this stage? You are wondering what you signed up for....can you see it to the end? Don't allow yourself to even think you won't succeed -that is a dangerous mental path of self doubt - DON'T DO IT!
Miles 20-22 (Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer)
You are trying so hard to stay positive. Your support group is amazing - cheering you on from the sidelines. They can read your face and help push you through the low times. You want to believe you can do this, but if one more person tells you "I know you will get pregnant this time!" you might just kick their a**.
Miles 23-25 (Dreaded 2 Week Wait)
This is the hardest thing you have done in your life....and you know it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. You wish the race was over - you want to quit. You just want the results so you can either be happy or sad - but at least you would know and could deal with it. You are so close......but "I beg of you God, don't let me run into one more pregnant belly this week! I can't take it anymore." You loathe all women that can get pregnant so easily. You have to force yourself not to stop at Walmart or the Dollar Store for HPTs.
Miles 25-26 (the end)
You made it. Today is the day that will change your life - maybe. You stand in your bathroom holding a HPT with shaky hands and a full bladder. Should I POAS (pee on a stick for non IFers) or just wait for the office to call with the blood test results? Will "I'm sorry. But your test is negative." be easier to hear if you already know there are not 2 lines on the HPT? No it will not.....it will devastate you know matter how that news is delivered. Why does the phone always have to ring at a moment like this?!??!?!
"This is the nurse from the doctor's office. We have your test results. Congratulations!!!! You are pregnant."
You collapse. You have an "ugly" cry for a beautiful moment. You can hardly remember the race. You are so amazed...so proud...it was so worth it.
But that doesn't mean you will ever do that again! It was almost too hard to bare. You will be happy enough with your first and only experience at being a mommy.
And then, one day in the future, you will look into that tiny face and the longing begins again. You will remember just how strong you really can be. You will remember the pride, the joy, and the ultimate, most amazing reward.
And you will think to yourself, "Well, maybe just one more.........."
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